Moving Troubles

So, I'm having a problem. This is the first time I've blogged here in awhile. I don't know who else to go to about it, so I'm going to go to God. I guess I pulled away before my grandfather died in April, and his death only made it worse for me. I was classically pulling away, as God has seen so many other people do. Maybe I still am.
The topic of moving came up when my step-dad picked me up from work. In the car, he said, "So I hear you're planning on moving to Virginia in six months."
"Well, yes," I said, "but it's just a goal, one we logically probably won't be able to reach. In reality, it's probably going to be a year from now or something."
"You need to finish school before you move out. And before you get married. I don't understand why you guys are rushing into this, because marriage doesn't solve everything. In fact, it causes even more problems and it's not something you're ready for."
He'd started harping on me again, and even as he did it, I thought of the old story. You know, the one that goes, "We live in a cycle. When we're children, we believe that our parents magically know everything there is to know about anything. In our teenage and young adult stages, we begin to think they know absolutely nothing and we know better. When we're middle-aged, we start to realize maybe our parents knew more than we thought they did and we should give them some credit...and when we're old, we see our parents as geniuses again."
If that story is true, then I'm in the young adult stage where I think he doesn't know anything and he's trying to hold me back. I don't WANT to be like that, I really don't. I understand that, from age, he has more wisdom about life in general than I do, but what HE doesn't understand is that even if this is the biggest mistake of my life, I need to make it on my own. I need to figure things out for myself. Jesse and I need to be free to live our lives together as we see fit, rather than in the choke-hold of a well-meaning older couple who "just wants to see us do right by ourselves and each other." Fine, I get it - but let me live my life, because it's MY life, not yours.
"Who said anything about rushing into marriage?" I asked. "We're not trying to rush into that at all. We know we're not ready and we don't even have the money for it yet anyway." It especially annoys me that he goes on and on about how proud he is of my cousin Natalia, who's my age, about how she's getting married next year and wants to be a television news person and has the perfect personality for it and she's so beautiful. If she has her life so damn "together," then harp to people about her and leave me alone. I'm tired of hearing how every step I make without Mommy and Daddy is wrong. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual. They were rebellious too, and moved out long before I have. By the time Kenny was my age, he was already living with my mother - who had a kid from a previous relationship. Notice I say relationship, not marriage. People make mistakes and I have to be left alone to make them.
"You need to finish college," he insisted, "because I know how hard it is to try and make it without a degree out there. I'm speaking from experience."
"I understand that," I said. "But as far as I'm concerned, Ashworth can rot in hell. Yes, they refunded my money, and apologized for any inconvenience they caused, but as far as I'm concerned it was a little more than a minor freaking inconvenience. They told my fiance they couldn't refund us because I'd LIED and tried to IMPERSONATE him to get his account canceled, and they advised him to sue me. 'We apologize for any inconvenience' doesn't quite cut it."
Kenny argued, "They're a place of business. They're going to do whatever they can to keep money and try to get it out of you. And school was the only thing you had going for your life."
...Thanks. So my life is shit without school as a part of it? I don't care, I'm never going back to that school again. It shouldn't matter that they're a place of business, they shouldn't try to cheat me out of money and get me into legal trouble. Whatever happened to morality in the workplace? I guess ever since Enron, that's a thing of the past, like chivalry and a wife's rights.
"I'm going to go to school again," I told him. "Just not there. They didn't even have the program I wanted, I just joined so people would stop saying I was a loser who wasn't doing anything." I'm sorry, but I shouldn't have to settle for unhappiness in a job just so people will shut the hell up.
"Well, you should stay here while you're going to school."
"I don't WANT to stay here. I HATE Arizona. I've hated it since I got here, and I'm excited. I'm almost 22 years old and I'm trying to move out of my parents' house - finally. That's a big deal for me and I'm excited about it even if you aren't."
He sighed and told me, "I just wish you weren't moving so far away. You're going to realize you're not anywhere near any of your family and want to come home...and there won't be anything you can really do about it." THEN he started harping about how Jess was going to turn into an alcoholic and I'm making mistakes I can't pedal back from - WITH the kids in the backseat. By the time we hit up Dairy Queen, I was pretty angry.
"I'm going to stay in the car." I thought they were just going to be in and out.
"So you don't want any ice cream?"
"No."
"...What the fuck ever." And he slammed the car door, only to come back out a moment later and say, "It's hot as hell in this car and almost a hundred degrees out here. Come inside."
I didn't pitch a fit, I just went inside. He kept asking me if I was sure I didn't want any ice cream, but if I did, I would have paid for it myself. I'm just trying to save money, and anyway, I had a BLT waiting in the car in a Styrofoam box, so I just didn't want any ice cream. It wasn't about having a temper tantrum. He tried to say something else when we got back into the car and I cut him off, because now it was about Jess. "If you have problems with him, talk to him."
"I've tried, but he doesn't know how to save money. It's a big problem."
"Well, I do. I'm a good saver, and he's a better manager of it than I am. We can play to our strengths and help each other out. I'm good at English and bad at math, and you're good at math and bad at English. Haven't we always helped each other out? It's like that."
Kenny didn't say anything else to me about it, but when we got home, he was talking to Jess outside. It wasn't brought up anymore until Jess came home from work around midnight, and we sat down outside for one of our late-night talks. The conversation turned to moving, because we're both excited that we can finally start actually planning this, and slowly turning it into a reality instead of some far-off dream. Jess told me I was going to have to get rid of a lot of my stuff, and I had anticipated that. I'm something of a pack-rat, but I'm not nearly as bad as some other people I've seen. I like to hold onto things that give me fond memories of days gone by. But he told me that he was going to be making a lot of decisions about MY possessions that I wasn't going to like, and I would just have to live with it.
"No," I said. "I'm not getting rid of things I've had longer than I've known you at your whim. And I'm not getting rid of whatever you want. It's my stuff, it's my decision what to keep and what to throw out."
"No it's not," he said. "I'm telling you, you don't know how small the places are that we're going to be living. We won't have room for storage. From experience, I know what's going to fit and what's not - so I have to tell you what you can keep and what you can't."
"No," I said again. "You can tell me what I can take with me because it will fit, but you cannot tell me what I'm throwing away. And when I go through my stuff, I want to do it alone. Without you. I don't want you pawing through my memories. It's like pawing through my journals. Too personal. I'm going to do all that alone."
"Speaking of your journals," he said, "we're not taking those with us either, and you have to realize that your parents aren't going to just keep things for you that we can't take with us. Everything you leave here is going to end up getting thrown away."
That wasn't necessarily true, and I argued that point too. "Listen, my journals matter more to me than any book I've ever owned that some other asshole has just written in. I'm taking every single one of them, even if I can't take any of my books." I mean, I can always buy more copies of books I like. I cannot buy more copies of my own personal writing, that's irreplaceable.
"Where are we going to keep it?" he countered.
"On a bookshelf."
"What bookshelf?"
"I have one in my room."
"They're going to let you keep that?"
"Yes, they said it was mine. Including the dresser. It's mine, I can take it."
"Well I'm sure we can find some place to keep a bookshelf. But you're taking ONLY what you can fit on that shelf, no more."
I understand that, because we're only limited to one moving truck and I have a lot more crap than Jess does. He wants to disassemble my sleigh bed and take it with us, at least until we can afford a bigger two-sleeper, but that will take up more room in the van. And when he talked about making decisions in life that I wasn't going to like, but I'd have to deal, I said I'd be doing the same thing and that was part of what a relationship was all about. Now we come to the reason why I'm writing all of this in here:
"No, you aren't."
"Yes, I am." I looked shocked for a second, because I was.
"No. You aren't," he repeated with more conviction.
"So...you're telling me that you're allowed to make decisions I won't like, and I'm not...and I have to live with it?"
"Yes," he said. "I don't want to use this term, but as the man in the relationship, I am the head of my family. You are my family, until we get married and have kids. As the head of my family, I'm also the head of my house. When we move, I am going to be the head of that house. Here's why. God says that the man is responsible for his family. You have it easy. My family has to abide by every decision I make, and God will judge me for it later."
"You don't rule me," I told him. This is the twenty-first century, and he was starting to make me feel like property.
"Yes I do. As the head of the house, I rule you. You don't have to like every decision I make, you don't even have to agree with it. But you do have to go along with it."
"You don't own me, and I don't have to go along with anything I don't like!" I was starting to get upset.
"I never said I own you," he told me. "But the Bible says that wives must submit to their husbands, and as my wife, that's what you'll do. And because I love you, I will make sure to hear your opinion on every decision I make, and I will always listen to your voice and your input...but I have the final say."
I was almost starting to cry, and I didn't know whether it was from rage, or sadness at the fact that he felt it was okay to tell me this. "So...all the blood, sweat and tears I put into my family...a family you won't have without MY egg and MY womb...only matters because you say it does and you love me? I only have a say in the relationship because you love me?"
He told me, "I never said that." But he had, as far as I heard.
I tried to say, "I don't think you're capable of making decisions like that right now," and he said, "Then don't be with me. If you can't trust me to take care of my family now, then you won't trust me when we're married and have kids."
I didn't say I didn't trust him, I just said I didn't think he was ready. But I am the master of myself, except for God. My husband is not the master of me. I have my own mind, thoughts, feelings, opinions...and they DON'T just matter because he says they do. If I don't want my daughter to do something and he wants her to, it shouldn't be okay for him to just overrule me because he has a penis and the Bible says boobs aren't as important. He said he has to love me unconditionally as Christ loves the church, and that's not easy for him either...but I don't think I'm getting the easy deal here. I'm all for the old-fashioned concept of the man being the head of the house, but I am not some little doormat slave bitch. I am an equal partner. I don't think he was trying to call me a doormat, but I think he WAS saying the only thing that makes me equal is his love, and according to the Bible, I'm not. When I said I had a problem, he told me to argue with God, not him. Am I the only one who thinks this is fucked up?

Make Every Effort - 2 Peter 1:5-8

I've been slacking with my verses, because of things going on at home. But anyway, here's today's verse:
"Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." -2 Peter 1:5-8
God wants us to be productive in our lives and our faith. He wants us to have more than just head knowledge, and put what he teaches us to work in our lives. Everyone needs to put out effort and grow in these qualities, because we all make mistakes and no one person is perfect on any level. This was a really good one for me to read today. I've been slacking a bit. I haven't read my Bible in two days and had to work a bit to catch up, and I've been trying not to swear. Actively trying, I didn't do it as much and I was making an honest improvement - but as I've slacked the past couple of days, so has my language. This is a constant struggle, and we can't afford to take a day off. Not a single day. For every day that we take off, we set ourselves a few steps back on our walk with Christ.

The Lord Your God is God - Deuteronomy 7:9

Today's verse kind of speaks to me. Again, I got help with it. I hope I don't grow to rely on this help as a crutch. Finding verses to post on my own is an integral part of walking with God - but this one makes a lot of sense as far as what's going on in my life right now. Maybe it will speak to you too:

"The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." -Deuteronomy 7:9

God is love. He will never forsake us, no matter what we have done, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. He turned his face away from his son so we wouldn't have to suffer him turning his face away from us, so long as we asked for forgiveness in his sight. Like a loving parent, he is the ultimate loving parent, and treats us better than we deserve. We have to honor God as something more than a good luck charm or a weekly guest into our otherwise busy lives. Sunday church doesn't cut it for God. If I was supposed to be your close friend and you only saw me or talked to me once a week, and then acted like I didn't exist during the rest of the week - what kind of friendship is that? I'd feel used and annoyed. God is above us and we will never fully understand his ways, but I'd imagine he has a lot of the same feelings we have, since we were created in his image and all. Loving God and keeping his commands is a daily struggle, a little bit at a time. You can't just worship for everyone else to see on Sunday and then totally ignore him on Monday. Keep his Word in your heart all week, and it'll make a quiet but significant difference in your life. I'm not a zealot. I'm living proof that this is slowly happening for me. Choosing to change your life for God is NOT an easy thing, and NOT something that happens on a whim. It's a process of trial and error, and a lot of freakin' struggling. But making an effort, a true effort, is so much better than just sitting around and saying we'll get to it tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes for you? Each day is not a given right, but a blessing. Don't wait until you're about to die to make your peace and start a relationship with God. He deserves more than that, as your friend and your Father. He wants a relationship with you and with me...and he wants to bless us. Let's let him do it.

Accept One Another - Romans 15:5-7

Today's post came straight off of Facebook, posted by one of my friends! Usually I'd do a little more work, digging for the right scripture for today, but what's the use when it's already staring you in the face?
"Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God."
-Romans 15:5-7
My personal interpretation of this might be different from someone else's, but I believe that one example could go back to the very beginning of this blog. Christians, as a whole, do not accept people who are not Christian as well. They say they do, but they don't. God teaches us to accept others the way that they are. Yes, it is okay to let people know where you stand and that you love the Lord. No, it is not okay to look down on someone because they didn't choose the same path, or because they don't want to listen to you preach the good news. We need to keep that in mind. God did say that one of our most important duties here on Earth was to preach his Word to others, but he did not mean that we should hound people about it. Think of it this way. Let's pretend the issue isn't someone's faith. Let's pretend I'm trying to convince you to buy something from me. You've already made it clear that you don't want it. If I keep shoving it in your face, you're just going to get mad, right? That doesn't get us anywhere. If someone is anti-God or apathetic, that doesn't mean you should avoid them or try not to be friends with them either. Maybe I can make friends with you and then eventually ease you into talking about what I'm trying to sell - but don't go trying to befriend somebody JUST to sell them something - including the Bible and God. We're trying to sell them a ticket into heaven, basically. They have to make the decision to take it; you can't force anything on anyone.
I can use an example from last night. My fiance smokes. I don't care for it, and it annoys me when he does it without telling me what he's going to do. I got angry about it. He tried to say I'd said I didn't care anymore, and I responded that if I said I didn't care, I didn't mean it. It was only spoken out of frustration because I wanted him to shut up. If I love him, shouldn't I accept his flaws? Yes. That doesn't mean they should be overlooked. They're still flaws...but the only person who can change you, is you. And God, of course. So...we have to learn to accept one another as God accepted us. If he's going to be my husband, I should love him the way he is. When he makes mistakes, I need to forgive them as God would. When he makes me angry, I need to take a deep breath and count to ten, and respond positively instead of blowing up. If you're planning to form that close of a bond with someone, you need to be able to communicate without so much anger. Love doesn't fix everything...but it sure as hell moves mountains. I'm letting go of my frustrations and taking them to God, so I can be a better person - the kind he's happy to come home to. As for the days when he's just being difficult without provocation - I should do my best to ignore them, because "this too shall pass."

2 Timothy 1:9 - God Has Saved Us and Called Us to a Holy Life

Because I wasn't sure where to start, I got a little help with today's Bible verse:

God has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.

-2 Timothy 1:9 (NIV)

"Before the beginning of time." That's a tall order. Can you imagine? Long before we were even conceived, God was drawing blueprints for us! I used to think that it was impossible to walk with God, because you had to be like him...and we were so far off the scale that we could never be like him, so what was the use in trying? I'm no seasoned pastor. I'm not even trained in the Word of God. I, just like anyone who wants to learn to walk with their savior, am simply praying and asking for guidance. I just want to do the right thing. I think when we try to act like God, we're going to fall off the wagon now and then. We're inherently sinners and there's nothing we can do about it. I, for one, am glad that I'm not a saint. It's okay to fall off the wagon. It's okay to make mistakes. When we believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, and when we are truly sorry for what we have done and make a valiant effort never to do it again, God forgives and forgets. I'll give ya that one mo' 'gain. He forgives and forgets. That means he doesn't remember what the heck you're talking about when you bring it up again, so what's the point in continuing to feel guilty? Let it go. Problem is, when we say we're sorry, we have to really mean it. Think about it. If your significant other cheated on you and said they were sorry, they'd never do it again, and begged your forgiveness, would you take them back? Let's say you would, for the sake of argument. And if they just kept cheating...you'd be like, "Yeah, right. I've heard this one before. Who's to say you're not just going to do it again? Why is now different from last time?" We're permitted by God to make the same mistakes now and then because he knows we're not perfect...but taking advantage of his grace is a different story. When you say you're sorry and you won't do it again, you need to mean it. Even if people won't forgive you, take comfort in the fact that God already has. Even if they say they've forgiven you but can't let go of their anger...don't let guilt eat you alive. God's mercies are new every morning, and you deserve them because he loves you. Sweet, right?

And in the Beginning...

We must all begin somewhere. Of all the accounts of my life I have kept, this one may be the most difficult. How does one write about their life without including too many details? The Internet is a feeding frenzy these days. I have volume upon volume in which my handwriting, progressing from childish to simply messy, fills actual pages. You know, the kind you can touch, and maybe even rip? Ooooh. Sooner or later, finding a handwritten journal is going to be like finding velociraptor bones in your backyard. The handwritten letter, sometimes romantically spritzed with a squirt of perfume, is also a forgotten art. I find it amazing that we humans have become idiots as a result of the increase in technology. Why write an elegant letter, waiting days, perhaps, for it to arrive to its intended, when you can just TEXT someone? "My dear sweetheart" has been replaced as an opener for "omg ily." Seriously. We live in times where teachers (people who are supposedly college-educated) send our children home with flyers bearing stupid typos and spelling mistakes. If you want to make a spelling mistake in any other line of work, I don't give a damn. Go nuts. But if you're teaching our future leaders how to read and write...do it right. Notice that "write" and "right" SOUND the same, but are, in fact, very different.
Okay, I'm done. That was my mini-rant for today. I'm prone to fits of those.
On to the next point. I am a Christian. I refuse to be ashamed of this fact, although I am not the sort of Christian who shoves my religion down the throats of everyone else. Perhaps others believe that's what being a good follower of Christ is all about, but I'm laid-back enough that people have thought I needed their Bible-thumping philosophies...or better yet, to be thumped over the head with said Book. I am not an advocate of that kind of behavior. Maybe I'm too secular, whatever. You want to be gay? I don't care. You want to be pagan? I don't care. I'm not judging you, because it's not my place. Far too many Christians say they don't judge because it's God's job, but when you tell them you don't follow their religion, they look you up and down like you're a bug - or worse, they're disgustingly sweet and try to slyly convert you, as though you can't see what they're attempting. I don't care what path you decide to take; I'm not going to think any less of you for it...but I will say, from the get-go, that this blog is going to be largely Bible-oriented, in my attempts to study it and get closer to God. I don't believe in religion, I believe in relationship. If you've stopped reading by now...you're probably better off, because I'm something of a crackpot. If you haven't, I'm also quite secular. Issues of the day will be peppered in as well, along with random musings that probably won't make sense to most people. The purpose of this is to get to know myself, and maybe even some people around me, a little better. If you want to come along for the ride, that's on you. Wear a freakin' seatbelt, kiddies!